Separate the Reds
by PunishmentFactor
Summary: Alvida's favorite set of red lingerie has ended up in the same washtub as Cabaji's scarf. The results are...not attractive. Can she find Cabaji a new scarf before he notices? Can the inept Buggy and Mohji keep him distracted? Comedic/Ironic oneshot.


**Hi everyone...its been ages since I've had a fic up. **

**Alright, seriously...we One Piece fans have all been hit hard recently, (if you don't know what I'm talking about then you need to get up to date.) and all the depression and angst on fanfic. net isn't helping. Despite recent events, One Piece is still a comical world, and its fanfiction should reflect that. In short, I just wanted to write an genuine, feel-good humorous fic that could maybe get a laugh out of you. All there is to it. I hope you enjoy it. **

**P.S. There's a little cameo of a character completely unrelated to Buggy's crew that you should look out for. I threw her in at the last minute for fun. ;)**

**Thanks to my awesome beta Ricardo. Of course, I don't own One Piece.**

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* * *

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"I am so dead."

Alvida stared in horror at what had once been Cabaji's scarf.

She couldn't remember exactly how it had happened. It had been her turn to do the laundry that week. Due to her tendency to wear brightly colored clothing, she was always careful to wash her clothes separately, so the colors wouldn't mix. And when you lived with a crew like Buggy's, doing your laundry separately was just generally a good idea.

But somehow or other, Cabaji's scarf had ended up in the same washtub as her favorite set of red lingerie. The same set she had worn to his cabin only two nights ago.

And unfortunately now that the colors of red, blue and white had clashed in the same wash basin, the scarf was now an appalling combination of pink and purple.

"I am _so _dead," Alvida inwardly wailed a second time. "Cabaji's going to kill me!"

She wondered how on earth she could possibly keep the situation a secret from Cabaji. They _were_ currently an item, after all. She could pretend it was _her _scarf, as purple and pink were colors she frequently wore.

She immediately rejected the idea seeing as she never wore scarves and it would be hard to pull off. Not to mention it wouldn't explain the suspicious and simultaneous disappearance of Cabaji's favorite scarf, especially when "her" scarf would be in such a similar pattern.

"Oi! Alvida! You finished with the laundry?"Alvida turned to see Buggy approaching.

"Almost!" she said in as cheerful a voice as she could manage, making a hasty attempt to shove the offending scarf down the front of her tank top.

"Alvida, your boobs are big enough already," said Buggy, as Alvida fixed what she hoped was a convincing smile onto her face. "You don't need to try and make them any bigger."

"I really don't know what you're talking about," said Alvida innocently, as she proceeded to hang her red lingerie on the clothes line, which Buggy eyed with a hungry expression.

"Alvida, whatever it is you've shoved down your cleavage, take it out. You don't want to know what it looks like."

She glowered and withdrew the scarf.

"What is that?" asked Buggy.

"It's...it's my new scarf!" said Alvida brightly. "Don't you like it?"

"Why were you wearing it _down there_?" asked Buggy suspiciously. "Hang on..."

He stared from her, to the scarf, to the red lingerie hanging out to dry, and then back again.

"No way," he said slowly. "Alvida, what the hell have you done?"

"It was an accident!" said Alvida desperately. "Really! I got it mixed in with my other clothes!"

"Cabaji's going to _kill _you," said Buggy, who looked like he was trying not to grin. "That's Cabaji's favorite scarf. He _always _wears it. Oh man, you are _so_ dead Alvida!"

"Thanks for the encouragement," growled Alvida, as Buggy began cackling with laughter.

"I can't wait to see the look on Cabaji's face!" snickered Buggy. "This is going to be great. Hey, Cabaji! CABAJI! GUESS WHAT?"

"SHHHH!" yelled Alvida, slapping a hand over Buggy's mouth. "Don't yell for him you idiot! He can't find out!"

"Well he'll find out sooner or later," said Buggy, dislodging himself from Alvida's grasp. "You two sure won't be spending anymore romantic midnights together anytime soon!"

"Buggy, _please _don't tell him," said Alvida, grabbing his arm. "Just give me time to figure out how to fix this! Please Buggy, help me out here! I'll do anything!"

"Anything?" purred Buggy, raising an eyebrow.

Alvida instantly regretted saying this.

"You know, I _hate_ to see a _lovely_ maiden in such distress," said Buggy throatily, edging a bit closer.

"No Buggy, seriously…"

"I _am_ being serious, lovely ocean goddess."

"Cut the crap and the clichés," said Alvida. "I don't have time for this."

"Ah well," said Buggy, shrugging. "You see, I was just on my way to have a drink with Cabaji. I guess I might as well bring him his laundry as well."

He grabbed the scarf out of Alvida's hands.

"Give that back!" cried Alvida, lunging for it, but one of Buggy's detached hands dangled it out of reach. "Cabaji can't see it!"

"But how can I keep a secret from one of my most loyal crewmates?" said Buggy with disgusting sanctity. "A _good _captain like me shares_ everything_ with his crew. This is _your _burden to bear Alvida. I'm sorry that I can't be of any service."

Alvida turned away, groaning in frustration.

Desperate times called for desperate measures.

_Very_ desperate measures.

She spun around, grabbed Buggy by his shirtfront, and pulled him into a kiss.

Alvida grimaced and shut her eyes as Buggy's enormous, painted, slimy mouth seemed to determined to cover every inch of her lips along with the entire lower half of her face. God, it felt like he was trying to _eat _her...

"Ugh! That was disgusting!" Alvida wailed, once Buggy had finally unglued his mouth from hers. "You taste like greasepaint!"

"And you, my pirate queen, taste like strawberries and cream," purred Buggy, as Alvida made a great show of retching over the ship's rail.

"That's because I just ate the rest of the strawberry cake," said Alvida, wiping her mouth off.

"You ate my cake? Dammit Alvida! Why the hell do you eat so much?"

"Well you're one to talk, after you just tried to eat my face!" snapped Alvida, straightening up and snatching the scarf back from Buggy. "Alright, help me figure out what to do about the scarf!"

"Alright, alright Alvida. You're in luck," said Buggy. "There's a port not far from here I was planning on stopping at, to let the log pose set. We'll have about an hour. Mohji and I will keep Cabaji distracted while you run into town and buy Cabaji a new scarf."

"And what if you can't keep him distracted?" asked Alvida with her hands on her hips. "He's not stupid you know. He'll figure out if you're up to something."

"We'll manage," said Buggy. "Besides, how long can it take to walk into a store and find a scarf that looks like Cabaji's?"

"Alright, fine," she said. "As long as you can keep Cabaji from finding out or coming into town to find me."

"Wonderful. We'll dock in five minutes." said Buggy, turning away with a grin. "Good luck, hot lips. I suppose after that kiss I can forgive you for eating my cake."

Alvida flipped her middle finger at him.

* * *

"Remember Alvida, one hour." said Buggy, as soon as the ship had docked.

"As if you idiots would leave without me," she said, glowering back at him as she trotted down the gangplank.

"Yes, but the less time we have to keep Cabaji distracted the better," he called after her.

Alvida was determined to get the entire ordeal over with as soon as possible. Striding quickly down the cobblestone streets, she flung open the door to the first shop she saw.

"I need a scarf!" she announced, to the somewhat bewildered shopkeeper. "I need a blue and white scarf! _Now!"_

"Er...well now, Madame," said the shopkeeper rather nervously, pulling open a drawer. "We have a wide variety of scarves here, and blue is a very popular color. Please, have a look."

He laid about a dozen blue and white scarves across a nearby table.

The first was white and covered in little blue sequins.

The second was a hideous shade of sky blue and patterned with little white roses.

The third was made of some sort of tacky faux-silk with gaudy fringe and beads.

The fourth was so long and fluffy it could have been a feather boa.

"Why the hell are these all so... _ugly_?" demanded Alvida, picking up a lurid midnight blue scarf decorated with little silvery-white stars and surveying it with disgust.

"Why Madame," said the shopkeeper, sounding a little taken aback. "These are the very height of fashion in women's scarves!"

"_Women's_ scarves?" she repeated, whirling on the shopkeeper. "_Women's scarves?_ What made you think I wanted women's scarves! Did I _ask_ you for women's scarves?"

The shopkeeper cowered and muttered something vague about "Being a woman..."

"Yeah, well I don't want these ugly 'women's' scarves." said Alvida, dropping the midnight blue scarf back on the table as if it was a poisonous spider. "I want _men's_ scarves! In blue and white!"

The shopkeeper looked slightly bemused.

"Madame," he said tentatively. "I honestly don't wish to sound rude, but how many men to you know that wear decorative scarves?"

"Well, blue and white are _manly _colors, aren't they?" said Alvida, hands akimbo and teeth gritted in annoyance. "So, you're telling me that you don't have any blue and white scarves for _men_?"

"Well, if you'll look over _here_..." said the shopkeeper, looking slightly uncomfortable as he gestured to a nearby rack."We _do _carry a lovely selection of blue and white _ties_..."

Alvida stormed out of the shop.

* * *

"So, why do we have to keep Cabaji distracted?"

"Look Mohji, it's a long story. Just play along until Alvida gets back."

"But why is she gone?" asked Mohji quizzically.

Buggy sighed.

"If you really want to know, when Alvida was doing the laundry she got some of her red clothes mixed in with Cabaji's scarf. So she's gone to buy him a new one."

"Why?"

"Well, because when you wash red clothes with other clothes sometimes the colors mix."

"They do?"

"Well, yeah. You know, when you mix blue and white with red you're going to end up with purple and pink."

_"_No way!" said Mohji, gaping at Buggy with wide eyes. "Really?"

Buggy got the impression that Mohji hadn't ever taken art class, but wasn't about to comment because Buggy had always ended up kicked out art class for coloring his face instead of the paper.

"Yes well, Alvida is really upset, and she doesn't want Cabaji to know that she's wrecked his favorite scarf. So it's our job to keep him from finding out until she gets back."

"Oh, okay," said Mohji, nodding. He paused a moment. "I always thought red and blue made green," he said, scratching his head. "Are you sure they make purple?"

"God! I'm surrounded by idiots!" cried Buggy exasperatedly. "Look, just help distract Cabaji and keep him from leaving the ship. That's all you have to do."

"Are you guys talking about me?"

Buggy and Mohji jumped to see Cabaji standing about two feet behind them.

"Cabaji!" cried Buggy, recovering quickly and grinning broadly. "How simply..._wonderful_ to see you! You're looking great today! No, we weren't talking about you at all! Whatever gave you that impression? I would never talk about one of my most _trusted _crewmates behind his back. Please, dismiss any thoughts you had that we were talking about you...because we weren't. Did I mention how great it is to see you?"

"Yes!" said Mohji, after a significant jab in the ribs from Buggy. "You're looking...um...really..._tall _today, Cabaji!"

Buggy and Mohji beamed at him.

"What the hell is wrong with you two?" Cabaji asked, surveying them suspiciously.

"Nothing! Nothing at all!" said Buggy jovially. "We're just _really _happy to see you! You know Cabaji, I've been _thinking_..."

"Oh god." said Cabaji. Thinking was not something Buggy did very often, because he usually wasn't very good at it.

"Um...yes. Thinking. You know, the three of us don't...um...hang out enough."

"Hang out?"

"Yeah, hang out. You know? Chillin'. Just us _guys_. Right Mohji?" added Buggy, giving him another elbow in the ribs, as Mohji was showing signs of mild horror at the prospect of 'chillin' with Cabaji.

"Well, as much fun as...er..._'chillin' _with you guys sounds..." said Cabaji, not sounding at all as if the idea was appealing." I was actually wondering if Alvida had finished my laundry. I kind of want my scarf back."

"Oh…she's…er, gone into town," said Buggy quickly. "She won't be back for quite some time and I have absolutely no idea whatsoever she could have possibly done with your laundry, so you should just stay here and not think about your laundry because I don't know where it is and neither does Mohji, so why worry about it until Alvida gets back?"

"Actually, I was just thinking of heading into town myself," said Cabaji. "Maybe I'll run into her."

"NO!" cried Buggy and Mohji simultaneously.

Cabaji stared at them. "What the hell is wrong with you guys?" he asked again.

"Cabaji, uh...when was the last time we ever…uh…played cards together?" said Buggy quickly, putting his arm around him.

"Uh... when have we _ever_ played cards together?" Cabaji asked, looking highly uncomfortable at being manhandled by Buggy.

"Well, there's always a first time!" said Buggy cheerfully. "Let me tell you, I play a mean Texas Fold 'em or whatever it's called. What do you say? Just us _men_."

"Actually, I uh..."

"Great!"

* * *

Alvida had been turned down seven shops in a row and was getting fed up. How hard could it be to just find a simple blue and white scarf?

"I need a drink," she muttered, dreaming longingly of a glass of vodka as she dragged herself through the streets.

Four shops later she was getting desperate. Walking down the street, she passed an old lady sitting on her front porch and knitting at an alarming speed. Suddenly an idea struck her.

"Hey! Obaa-san!" said Alvida. "You sure can knit really fast! Can you knit me a scarf, in like, a half an hour?" Maybe she could hit a bar for a few shots while the woman knitted.

"A half hour?" wheezed the old woman. "Bah! What do you think I am, a cripple? Fifteen minutes at the most dearie!"

"Really?" gasped Alvida. "Can you make it with blue and white squares?"

"Oh course love," said the lady genially.

"That's absolutely fantastic!" cried Alvida. "Thank you so much! I'll be right back I -"

"Now hold on a minute," said the woman, wagging a gnarled finger."First have to go out into the field and shear my sheep. Not too much though, otherwise they'll get cold, and you don't want cold sheep on your hands. Why last year I had two sheep catch pneumonia! Then I have to clean their wool. Now let me tell you, sheep are wonderful little creatures, but you wouldn't believe how dirty they can get. Then I have to wash their wool once I've picked out all the brambles and prickers and dirt from Lord knows where. Then I have to dry their wool. Then I have to card their wool, but of course that's not counting how long it takes to dry the wool. You ever carded wool dearie? Takes a good two hours, not to mention with my arthritis. Then I have to dye their wool. What colors did you say you wanted? Green was it? No…blue, that's it! My goodness I can never seem to remember anything anymore in my old age. In fact just the other day my niece was telling me…"

Alvida walked away.

* * *

"Damn Cabaji, you sure are good at cards."

Cabaji had won twelve consecutive games of Texas Hold'em (mainly by cheating). He hoped this would make them disinclined to play against him, however, Buggy and Mohji were both such poor players it didn't even matter.

"I think he's cheating," said Mohji.

"I think you're just pissed because you suck at cards." said Cabaji.

"You wanna fight Cabaji?" growled Mohji. "You wanna dance?"

"Never ask an acrobat to dance," said Cabaji aggressively. "You'll regret it."

"Isn't this great?" said Buggy jovially cutting into their argument. "Just us guys having fun like this?"

"Not really," said Cabaji. "Can I go now?"

"NO!" cried Buggy and Mohji standing up.

"Cabaji! I just bought a new case of Verbana Gold!"said Buggy quickly. "Man, it's some excellent liquor I tell you, great stuff! Hey, what do you say we knock back a few shots together over another round of cards?"

"I don't like hard liquor," said Cabaji. "Why don't you wait for Alvida to come back? I'm sure she'd play cards with you."

"Oh, well...um...she's not as much fun as _you_," said Buggy, smiling broadly.

"Yes...we like you..._so _much better," said Mohji with a very rigid grin.

"Sure," said Cabaji, completely unconvinced. "Look, seriously. I don't know what is going on here, but I-"

He paused a moment. "Alright, sure," he said finally. "I'll knock back a few shots with you guys. In fact, I bet I can drink more than the two of you put together."

"You're on!" yelled Buggy and Mohji.

Cabaji grinned in satisfaction.

* * *

_"_Orange."

After twenty-four shops, Alvida had finally found a scarf that was identical to Cabaji's except for the fact it was -

_"Orange!" _repeated Alvida to the terrified shopkeeper. "Why the hell is it _orange_?"

"Because...that's the color the designer decided to make it in?" suggested the shopkeeper, timidly.

"Orange is hideous!" said Alvida. "What kind of guy wears orange? Orange isn't a masculine color! It's not even a feminine color! Orange is the ugly in-between of red and yellow! Orange is what you get when you wash your yellow clothes with the red ones! Honestly, who the hell wears _ORANGE_?"

A man wearing an orange shirt in the corner of the shop glared at her.

"Why is this so much harder that it should be?" Alvida demanded of no one in particular, thrusting the orange scarf back at the distraught shopkeeper. "A blue and white scarf. That's all I want! How hard should that be?"

"Oh! You wanted this scarf in blue and white?" said the shopkeeper excitedly. "Well why didn't you say so! We can get you this scarf in blue and white!"

"You can?" cried Alvida spinning around, her eyes wide. "Really?" She flung her arms around the shopkeeper. "Thank you _so_ much! My life _isn't_ ruined!"

"Why certainly, Miss." said the shopkeeper, awkwardly patting her on the back. "We'll be glad to order this style in blue for you."

"Thank you so much! I-"

"It should arrive in about two weeks."

"Two weeks?" repeated Alvida, her manner drastically changing as she promptly let go of the shopkeeper. "_Two weeks?_ I can't wait around for two weeks! I need it _NOW!_

She pushed aside the shopkeeper and stomped out.

* * *

"Wow Cabaji...you sure -_hic_- hold your liquor really well."

Mohji and Buggy had managed to drink their way through several vats scotch, rum, grog, and whatever else they could scrounge up that had the word 'alcohol' written on it. Cabaji had joined in with feigned enthusiasm, not bothering to disclose that was continually pouring out his glass into a nearby potted plant, and watched with amusement as the plant got drunk instead of him.

He tried not to grin too much as Mohji swayed dangerously and nearly toppled over Buggy.

"A s-song!" cried Buggy in a slurred voice. "L-let's -_hic_- have a..._s-song_!"

He and Mohji struck up a drunken and very off-key sea shanty about some girl named Sally who went and got pregnant with a wandering fisherman.

"Any time now..." muttered Cabaji under his breath as Buggy got to the part about the boys and girls fishing together in the harbor for the third time.

Buggy swayed and toppled over, dragging Mohji down with him.

"_Finally_." said Cabaji, getting up to leave. He was almost out the cabin door when something grabbed his ankle.

"Noooo...-_hic_- Cabaji...you can't gooo..." slurred Mohji from the floor. "The...cap'n s-said you _can't_ leave...'cause we're s-supposed to -_hic_- keep you...dissstracted."

"Obviously," said Cabaji, attempting to dislodge his ankle. "I'm a little curious as to why, but right now I want my girlfriend and my laundry back."

"Ssoo...you wanna help me -_hic- ..._give Ritchie a bath?"

"I wouldn't touch your stupid lion unless it was the only thing between me and being crushed by a large building, as you probably remember," said Cabaji. "I'm leaving."

He kicked Mohji in the head and walked out.

* * *

Thirty-two shops later, Alvida was still out of luck and her hour was all but up.

"I'm dead," she muttered, dragging herself down the street, completely ignoring the people who were staring at her. "I'm _so _dead. There's no way Cabaji will forgive me for wrecking his favorite scarf. He'll never talk to me again, he'll never look at me again, he'll never be my boyfriend again, we'll never get married, he'll never let me do his laundry again, and all because I wrecked his favorite scarf."

"Um…excuse me Miss, are you alright?" a passing lady with blonde hair ventured to ask.

"Oh yes! Fine! Completely fine!" said Alvida in a rather hysterical voice. "Except I was a goddamn idiot and stuck my boyfriend's scarf in the wrong goddamn wash basin and now its PINK!" And I've spent the last goddamn hour running around this goddamn town trying to find a blue and white scarf before he notices it's gone -"

"Like that one?"

Alvida turned to see where the woman's gloved hand was pointing.

Hanging in the window of the shop across the street was a long checkered blue and white scarf. Exactly like Cabaji's.

Alvida threw her arms around the woman and kissed her. "You've saved my life!" she cried, before promptly dropping the shocked blonde and bolting across the street into the shop.

"That's sexual harassment!" the woman yelled after her, brushing herself off and straightening her glasses indignantly.

"That scarf in the window!" Alvida yelled as she burst into the shop. '"I need it! I need it NOW!"

"Please Madame, calm yourself," said the shopkeeper disapprovingly, looking her up and down. He was a rather thin and balding man with a monocle. "And lower your voice." He crossed to the window and took down the scarf.

"Oh thank you! Thank you so much!" said Alvida, quite literally on the verge of tears. "You have no idea how much I need this scarf."

"That will be 60 beli Madame," said the shopkeeper indifferently.

Alvida dug a hand into her purse.

"Uh...I've only got 50," she said in slight dismay. "How's that sound?"

"Madame!" said the shopkeeper, looking highly offended. "I do stoop so low as to haggle my prices!"

"Oh come on," said Alvida, rolling her eyes. "What's 10 beli?"

"60 beli, and that is final," said the shopkeeper, adjusting his monocle.

"Fine then!" said Alvida, plunging a hand dramatically into her coat. "You've messed with the wrong woman today! Looks like I'll just have to-"

She paused, realizing that the pistol she had been intending to whip out was not there. She quickly withdrew her hand with a sheepish grin and tried look innocent. However, Alvida was far too resolute and exasperated to let 10 beli get between her and the scarf. Once again, desperate times called for desperate measures. With a murmured apology to Cabaji she flung open her coat and thrust out her ample chest.

"I can pay you back in..._other ways," _she purred, although trying to sound alluring was highly difficult when she was exhausted, frustrated, distraught and slightly hysterical.

The shopkeeper looked disgusted.

"Madame!" he said indignantly. "Button your coat immediately or I will have you thrown out!"

Alvida gaped at him. "Fine!" she said after a moment of stunned silence. "I give up! You can keep your stupid scarf!" she haphazardly buttoned her coat and made as if to storm out of the shop.

The shopkeeper seemed somewhat mollified that she was finally leaving, and turned away.

The second he wasn't looking, Alvida grabbed the scarf and bolted.

"Everybody MOVE!" she yelled as she ran out into the street. The gawking pedestrians immediately scattered. Alvida whipped off her sandals, still clutching the scarf.

"Sube-Sube-Ahhhh!"

She was cut short as the shopkeeper tackled her, knocking her over. She slid for about eight feet on her stomach (with the shopkeeper still holding onto her) before she crashed into...

"What the hell are you doing to my girlfriend?"

Alvida looked up in sheer delight to see Cabaji looming over her and the shopkeeper.

"Cabaji! I brought you your scarf!" she cried, shoving the shopkeeper off of her and standing up with considerable difficulty.

Cabaji spun around to face the expostulating shopkeeper.

"What the hell is going on here?" he demanded. "I am not the mood to be screwed with! I come into town looking for my girlfriend and my scarf and find her being wrestled to the ground by some prick with a monocle!"

"Sir, I beg to differ!" said the shopkeeper stiffly, brushing himself off. "This woman tried to _rob _me, she owes me 60 beli, and as for that scarf-"

Cabaji hit him in the face.

"That felt good," he said with satisfaction as the shopkeeper toppled over.

"Cabaji, I brought your scarf!" Alvida repeated, as brightly as she could. "I came into town looking for you so I could give it to you, and then that jerk thought I stole it from his shop," she added, inventing wildly on the spot.

"You look terrible," said Cabaji, staring at her as he looped the scarf around his neck. "What have you been doing all day? Never mind...you look like you need a drink. Though there's probably nothing left on the ship now that Mohji and Buggy have gone through it all. Why don't we stop some place on the way back to the harbor?"

Cabaji retrieved Alvida's sandals and hoisted her onto his shoulders as they made their way down the street.

"I'm sorry you had to come all the way into town just to give me my scarf back," he said.

"Mmm-hmm," said Alvida, half-asleep on Cabaji's shoulders.

"I really appreciate you doing my laundry for me though," he added. "Man, I'm absolutely hopeless when it comes to clothes and stuff. I'd never even know the difference if I mixed all the wrong colors and turned my clothes pink or something."

Alvida blinked. "What do you mean?"

"Sheesh Alvida, didn't I ever tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"I'm color blind."


End file.
